Issue #05: Confessions Of An Old Entertainment Blogger
Plus what author Jordan Oram taught me about legacy over likes
This issue of Obsessed! is not entirely on-brand, but I hope it is still entertaining and meaningful.
Obsessed and Old
I’ve been feeling bruised of body and spirit this week, and I thought about sitting this one out, but that’s not who I am, and that’s not who I want to become. Instead, I thought I would take the opportunity to write a confessional about the struggles of being an entertainment blogger - specifically, an older one.
This past week’s bruising all started with the Crocs. In the Spring, while we were all still in COVID lockdown in Toronto, Canada, I started dreaming of the approaching vaccination rollout and my debut back into the world. As a happy distraction, I spent a good chunk of the pandemic becoming more informed about fashion trends. The internet told me that Crocs were trending. So despite my advanced age, I ordered a pair of these - the Classic Bae Clogs.
When the shoes arrived, I tried them on and instantly texted a friend to tell him that I was sure that I would break my neck while wearing them. I took a picture of myself wearing them, texted it to my niece who showed it to her 14-year-old friends who told her to tell me that I was “trendy”.
My fears blew away with the summer breeze, and I finally had the chance to strut my stuff down Church Street in those hot little Crocs-y numbers. I swear a stranger stopped me on the street to gush about how fabulous I looked. Never mind that I had to buy a package of blister pads after that singular strut and never mind that I could barely walk for a week after. I looked fab and youngish for one damn day.
A friend witnessed the on-the-street praise that day, and she regaled our group of friends with this story at a party the other night. There was a reason for this regaling. Last week, I tripped over those Crocs in the doorway of my apartment. I wasn’t even wearing them. I just tripped over them. A trip to Emerg and Xrays ensued. Fortunately, my foot was not broken - just very, very bruised. Unfortunately, the bruise to my ego was much deeper, and it was about to get much, much worse.
Many of you know that I have recently taken some time away from my respectable, grown-up job to delve into my passion - the world of entertainment. Entertainment writing is something that I have wanted to do my whole life. As a kid, I made entertainment newsletters, wrote reviews of the movies that I watched, and made scrapbooks out of entertainment clippings. I’ve always had my nose in an entertainment magazine, my ears to the radio, my eyes on the television, and my shoulders hunched over my phone as I scroll through Instagram and Twitter. I continue to have big, over-the-top but genuine reactions to entertainment news and celebrity gossip. I remember listening to the radio while driving, nearly veering off the road, and almost accidentally killing myself when I heard that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were getting married. That’s just an example. The excitement is in my blood.
I started a blog and a somewhat successful podcast about four years ago, but I could not keep them up while working full-time. So, after 20 years of finding excuses and being sidetracked by respectability, I have finally permitted myself to try this thing called “entertainment” full time.
Let me tell you this; it has not been easy. I am only one month in, and I have almost called it quits many times. Since I was a good writer in my earlier years, I thought I would be able to jump right back in and whip up good stories, reviews, and commentaries. I cannot. It takes me about 20 hours to write every goddamn thing. I am nearly frozen with doubt, fear of sharing too much of myself, and fear of judgment and criticism. And this is supposed to be entertainment! This is supposed to be fun!
I have noticed that something has changed since I attempted this four years ago. I can’t quite articulate what the difference is. I am doing all of the same things that I did last time. I am talking about the same things, writing about the same things, and posting the same things that got me hundreds of likes and followers before. I am gaining steady readership on my blog/newsletter, but social media has been deadly. In the back of my mind, I have been wondering if it is because four years ago, I used my podcast name and logo for my social media instead of my name and face. Nah, it can’t be that.
I turned to my niece for some advice, and we agreed that I should do a TikTok to show people my personality. I have done TikToks before, but I have never done one with the focus being entertainment gossip. So I decided to do a comedic TikTok about Jojo Siwa’s rumoured breakup with her girlfriend, Kylie. I had seen similar TikToks about the same topic by younger users, and I thought I had some information to add to the conversation. So I made my TikTok and got thousands of views and hundreds of likes. And then someone posted this comment:
Ouch. That is where it hurts. I have joked about my age to everyone who will listen, and it was a serious consideration before I took on the risk of this new venture. Tell me that I need more experience, more practice, more time. Just do not tell me that I am too old because that is what will nearly break me.
I want to do this work, and I want to be free to cover celebrities other than Elton John and Madonna. My obsessions span decades! I am equally obsessed with Jojo Siwa as I am with Dionne Warwick. When I feel confident, I think that’s what I have that is different and unique - longevity with a playful and youthful spirit.
But right now, I am feeling anything but confident, and I don’t know how to move forward. I am worried that the commodity of youth has passed me by. I am afraid that my older face and my betraying hair colour are going to alienate me. I am worried that no one gives a shit about my dreams but me. I am afraid that my gut was wrong. I am worried that my openness about gender and sexuality will be confusing for too many people. I am concerned that people will discredit me because I don’t have anyone to edit my work. I wish that I was as good at creating clever memes or spewing out tweets in 10 seconds as my younger counterparts are. I wish that I had someone to help me. I worry, and I wish, I wish, and I worry.
I wanted to share this with all of you. You are the people who continue to show an interest and an investment in what I am doing. Thank you. It means so much to me. I honestly do know that none of this is supposed to be easy. But, I’m going to keep going. I’m going to keep trying. I know that I am only a month into this, and there is still much work ahead. I’m going to keep putting one foot in front of the other - one Crocs-less foot at a time.
“Legacy Over Likes”
In April 2021, I stepped away from my full-time job. I was overwhelmed, confused, and tired. One morning, I watched the local Toronto news station CP24, and I saw an interview with cinematographer Jordan Oram. I had never heard of him before, but I had unknowingly seen his work, and I’m sure that you have too. He was the Lead Director of Photography on Drake’s “God’s Plan” video, Coldplay’s “Everyday Life” video, and numerous other films and video projects. The morning that I saw Oram on tv, he was discussing his latest project, The Journeyman, the world’s first plantable book.
Every once in a while, I hear someone differently. Like, I really hear that person. Oram’s description of his project, a compilation of lessons he has learned over the past decade, inspired me and made me feel excited and alive. I ordered a copy of the book online and then I forgot all about it.
Last week, the day after I nearly broke my foot, my copy of The Journeyman arrived in the mail. The book is so beautiful, and the 100 pages are dotted with actual seeds that will produce trees and flowers when planted.
I was so taken with the beauty of the packaging and the book itself that I posted a pic to my Instagram Story. Oram posted it to his IG Story, and then we had a little bit of an exchange. He apologized for the delay in the delivery, and I told him that the book arrived exactly when I needed it. And it was oh so true.
Oram’s book is filled with seeds of wisdom that he felt compelled to write about as an artist and as a mentor within the BIPOC community. Some of the major themes explored in the book are creative visioning, discipline, motivation, vulnerability, and legacy. I have referred to this book many times over this past week while at my lowest.
The page that I keep returning to is this one:
“I ask myself this question often: “What will I be known for when I leave this earth?” The most influential people, the ones who leave a legacy, will live forever, both online and offline. When we leave this land, we leave behind a digital ghost. It’s comparative to a physical shadow that will inherit our archived moments and timelined achievements. Leave a life worth living.”
When I consider my desired legacy, I settle on this - I don’t care about being remembered for my entertainment obsessions. But, I do care about being remembered as someone who stayed alive to new possibilities, who tried new things, who chased dreams, who kept going and, maybe, just maybe, inspired someone else along the way. Just like Jordan Oram has done for me.
Follow Jordan Oram and The Journeyman on Instagram or visit www.thejourneymanbook.com.
Thank you for reading and subscribing! It was hard for me to share this one with you. If you haven’t subscribed, please make sure to click on the button above, and each weekly issue will be sent directly to your inbox. I appreciate shares, likes, and comments (unless they are comments about my advanced years)! I’ll be back on October 28th with another newsletter.
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Happy obsessing!!!
xoxo Bex
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Absolutely loved this post, thank you for your vulnerability Bex! Keep doing the work, writing and sharing your newsletter - every post is a joy to read and the world needs your perspective. PS - I loved your TikTok so much, I was dying of laughter! <3