Issue #06: Shipping Gerri and Roman
Plus Jason Momoa's Chest, Timothée Chalamet's Mustache, and Angelina Jolie's Hair
Content Warning for this issue’s first piece, “Shipping Gerri and Roman”: Succession spoilers, sexual content and f-bombs. Not a recommended read for my relatives.
Shipping Gerri and Roman
Confession: I am a grown-ass adult shipping two tv characters. There, I said it. I ship Succession’s Gerri and Roman hard.
Comfort: I am not alone. Plenty of other adults have the same affliction as evidenced by the hundreds of screenshots, memes and edits circulating on the internet.
Why is a subsection of Succession fans obsessed with the transgressive desire between Gerri, the matronly, straight-faced, now acting CEO of Waystar Royco, and Roman, the driven-by-the-id-and-shame Roy manchild? Well, I daresay because it is transgressive, my dears. The dynamic between Gerri and Roman topples gender hierarchies, scrambles societal norms, and, above all else, it makes us yearn.
It’s been a slow build between Gerri and Roman. The unexpected dynamic starts in Season 1 with the Roman-initiated cross-generational sexual flirtation. This flirtation switches into high gear mid-Season 2 when Gerri surprisingly takes on a verbal dom position with Roman - calling him “a disgusting little pig” and a “little slime puppy” - while he jerks off behind doors. Season 3 pairs the sexual tension with an increasing emotional reliance and political/business allyship between the unlikely two making it nearly impossible for viewers not to want more.
And viewers do want more between the newly-appointed CEO and her lovesick apprentice. The yearning ranges from a need to see Gerri and Roman holding hands to kissing to fucking.
Succession writers clearly enjoy teasing fans by prolonging the yearning, but even they could not have anticipated the big old cockblock called COVID-19 that popped up just months after the end of Season 2. The pandemic forced a two-year gap between Season 2 and Season 3, leaving Gerri and Roman shippers with nothing but time to let our yearning run wild.
I coped most pitifully by watching Gerri and Roman scenes over and over again. Other more advanced shippers managed by creating their own scenes. In researching this piece, I stumbled across a whole underworld of Gerri/Roman fan fiction that puts Gerri and Roman in all kinds of erotic scenarios, including on an island vacation, in a circus act, and (of course) engaging in pup play. This discovery put me in the unique position of stanning the shippers. Well done, shippers, well done!!!!
As Season 3 moves forward, what will Succession writers give us, and what will they withhold? Of course, we want the romance, the handholding, the kissing and the fucking, but the hard truth is that when tv shows give us that long-anticipated release between characters, the storyline climaxes and then plateaus forever. We need this hotness to last. We need to yearn.
PSA: If you ship Gerri and Roman be sure to follow @gerrialert on Twitter for the best of the best. I don’t know who you are, @gerrialert, but you have fed my need for Gerri/Roman content since I found you!
Marty McFly On Jason Momoa’s Chest
I’m not obsessed with Jason Momoa, but many of you are. I will tell you how I know this in a second, but first, I’ll tell you a secret. I know what Jason Momoa’s chest feels like. It is majestic and strong, and I have bounced off it. Unfortunately for everyone involved, I was in Marty McFly cosplay at the time.
I’m typically more obsessed with the tiny sort, as in Michael J. Fox kinda tiny. He was my first celebrity crush. So, in 2019, when I heard that Michael J. Fox was coming to Fan Expo in Toronto, I knew what I had to do. I paid a gross amount of money to have my picture taken with him. I could have left it at that but, no, I had to take it one step further and dress up in Marty McFly cosplay for this occasion; jeans, plaid shirt, jean jacket, orange puffy vest and all.
I had never been to anything like Fan Expo in my life. So when I walked into the Toronto Metro Convention Centre, I was overwhelmed by the hoard of people dressed in every imaginable sci-fi/fantasy character costume. I found myself deep in the crowd, looking over my shoulder, straining my neck to look at a very realistic Aquaman posing behind me.
In that instant, I felt my orange puffy vest-covered chest collide with another, much broader chest. The sheer magnitude of that chest propelled me backwards. I looked up only to see the real Aquaman, Jason Momoa, towering above me. Readers, I blanked out at that moment. I don’t know what I said or did. I don’t know what he said or did. I saw that heaving chest and those spectacular eyebrows and I scurried away in shame and humiliation.
I recently shared this story with a group of lesbians. To my great surprise, this led to a 30-minute lesbian gush over the hotness of Jason Momoa and his many striking physical attributes.
Is Jason Momoa one of those rare breeds that appeal to a cross-section of the population? I put out a request to my friends and followers to gather more data. I invited them to finish this sentence: Jason Momoa is [blank]. Here is what I found:
Heterosexual women 100% lust for Jason Momoa. No exceptions. Sooo many het women think that he is “sexy AF” and “hot AF.” Other more descriptive phrases used were, “Spicy hot & so sweet,” and “undeniably sex in man form.” LMAO!!!!
Not very many gay men responded to my call to action. The ones who did respond confirmed my working theory that they would be hot for Jason Momoa. One responded by saying, “Jason Momoa is shockingly hot.” Another simply said, "Jason Momoa is my daddy.” Aha! These responses were just as I suspected.
Straight men were the wildcard here. I thought that if anyone could do it, Jason Momoa would be able to elicit lust from straight men. I was wrong. Most straight men commented on his acting skills and agreed that he was good in Game Of Thrones. LMFAO!!!! Others voiced disdain for our big-chested friend calling him, “overrated” and “a dirtbag.” I can’t stop laughing!!!
One teenage girl finished the sentence with “ugly.” Poor Jason Momoa might not fare as well with the upcoming generation. Oh, dear.
Going back to my encounter with the big guy, I wonder how running smack dab into someone dressed up like Marty McFly impacted Jason Momoa? My guess is he has PTSD symptoms whenever he sees Michael J. Fox.
Or maybe, just maybe, Jason Momoa quietly thanks me every time Lisa Bonet dons that orange puffy vest for Aquaman/Marty McFly sexy time. You are welcome, man-of-the-expansive-chest, you are welcome.
By the way, I did meet Michael J. Fox, and I told him that he was my first celebrity crush. He giggled, we posed for our pic, I walked away, and I bawled my eyes out.
Timothée Chalamet’s Mustache Won
It was a big weekend for another one of my small-of-stature obsessions, Timothée Chalamet. He broke box office records with both of his latest movie releases: Dune and The French Dispatch.
As a devoted fan, I found myself in a predicament as I don’t give a shit about sci-fi/fantasy movies or Wes Anderson films. I do, however, give many shits about Timmy. So, would I force myself to see Dune and hope that Timmy’s hair blowing in the sandy desert would be enough to sustain me for 156 minutes? Or would I force myself to see a film that is too clever for my understanding while having to reconcile a disgusting, thin, wispy mustache on Timmy’s perfect face? Surprisingly, in the end, Timothée’s mustache won.
The still photos of a mustachioed Timmy in the promos for The French Dispatch make me gag, but this is the power of Timothée’s acting: his character made the mustache work for me. In the film, Timothée plays student revolutionary Zeffirelli. The crux of the fictional student uprising is the insistence that male students be allowed to visit the female students in the female dormitory. Zefferelli takes the lead as the passionate leader of the revolution. He is young, inexperienced, bold, and entitled. And what is more befitting of the character than a thin, douchey mustache? Nothing. It was perfection. And so was Timothée.
The actual test of Timothée’s powers will be this: will he motivate me to see the Charlie And The Chocolate Factory prequel, Wonka? I am scared of Willy Wonka. Like, I am terrified of the character. So, if Timmy’s magnetism pulls me in to see that film, he is indeed more valuable to Hollywood studios than any golden ticket.
Readers Filled In The Blank: Timothée Chalamet is…..
“gorgeous and talented AF,” “sexy AF,” “hot AF,” “too young for me,” “everything opposite of Jason Momoa,” “my husband,” “weird-looking,” “a creepy vampire,” “adorable but maybe a secret dirtbag.” LMFAO!!!!
Why Angelina’s Hair Stylist Needs To Be Chopped!
Angelina Jolie stepped onto the red carpet on Sunday evening, looking like a silver goddess in Versace. I am a student of Angelina’s archive of fashion moments, and this look still made my jaw drop to the floor. I saw this pic right before I went to bed. I woke up the following day to this:
Honey, look at those extensions!!!! I know that it’s spooky season, but those choppy extensions are a horror!!!! Of course the internet has gone insane over this snafu.
I don’t generally dress up for Halloween, but I am considering this person’s idea:
Speaking of Halloween, I am one of the few queers on the planet who does not embrace this season. I am scared of Willy Wonka; can you imagine my fear of other strange creatures? I am considering dressing up as Shawn Mendes for the occasion. Some might call him a strange creature but since Mother Nature royally screwed up with my biology I sometimes imagine another life in which I look like Shawny throughout all seasons of the year.
Happy Halloween to all of you witches and bitches who celebrate!!!!!
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Happy obsessing!!!
xoxo Bex