Issue #01: Why I Cried Over Lil Nas X
Why I Screamed Over An Emmys Red Carpet Look and Who I Saw At TIFF 21
That’s All I’ve Ever Wanted
Confession. I ugly cried while watching Lil Nas X’s most recent video, That’s What I Want, for the first time—like, sobbed. Thank god I have a makeup-free face because I did not look cute and dramatic like he did in the video. I was uglyyyy.
I’m sure that the majority of viewers spontaneously combusted when they saw Lil Nas X and that boy making out and stripping each other down in that football locker room. I’m sure that I heard a universal cacophony of showers starting up and condom wrappers ripping open during that scene.
But there I was, a little sad thing, sobbing and alone on my couch. And do you wanna know why? Because this sad little thing has seen some history, baby, and none of it is even remotely hot or joyful or explicitly gay like that locker scene in the video.
I know that the locker room scene leads to despair when Lil Nas X’s character eventually finds out that his male lover is secretly with a woman and that they have a child together. Why can’t we just have fully realized happy stories? But seeing a gay male pop star singing about knowing exactly who he is, precisely what he wants and getting even some of it is still so new to me.
Lil Nas X’s real life reflects this clarity around his identity and what he wants, and that heightens my awe. He is reportedly in an actual relationship with Yai Ariza, the backup dancer who licked his neck during the SNL performance, the dancer who made out with him during the BET Awards performance, and the football player in this video. These things have materialized in Lil Nas X’s life and are widely accepted in our current culture. I just kept thinking, “How can this be?”
I grew up in the era of George Michael. If you don’t know what period that was, then Google it, and don’t you dare report back to your friends or me. I am gen z, no matter what you think you know.
George Michael is known as one of the most celebrated gay pop artists of all time. But those of us who grew up listening to his music and watching his videos did not have any confirmation that he was gay until 14 years into his career, long past the peak of his success.
Of course, everyone speculated. The clues were all over the place: the bouncy, flouncy frosted hair in the ’80s, the leather-jacket-single-cross-earring-tight-jeans look of Faith, the lyrics to Father Figure (!!!), and the collaboration with Versace in the Freedom ’90 video all screamed GAY. But heterosexuality was infused in the videos as women surrounded George Michael at all times leading to some confusing messages for fans.
Fans were not the only ones struggling to understand George Michael’s identity. George Michael was struggling to understand himself. In a 2016 interview with GQ Magazine, he detailed his fraught sexual attraction to women and men and his exclusive emotional connection to men. He reported that he stopped sleeping with women because he was afraid of revealing that he was having sex with other men. George Michael didn’t have any public role models for diverse sexual and romantic experiences any more than the rest of us did. So how was he supposed to be our public personification of queerness?
When George Michael did write a song about sex it was decidedly heterosexual. I Want Your Sex, released in 1987, was initially banned by the BBC because people feared that it would ignite sexual promiscuity during the AIDS crisis. Sexual promiscuity amongst heterosexuals. Can you imagine?
In this video, George Michael’s one and only long-term girlfriend, Kathy Jeung, is the female sexual partner. The I Want Your Sex video shows Kathy strutting in garters and writhing around in silk sheets. George Michael uses red lipstick to write “explore” and “monogamy” on her naked body. The video softened the song’s reception by highlighting that “sex is better when it’s one-on-one” and secured the monogamous, heterosexual agenda.
In complete contrast, at the height of his career, George Michael had a long history of non-monogamy and gay cruising. He was in long term relationships with men and engaged in emotional monogamy but there was always a consensual agreement around sexual freedom and exploration.
The public never knew any of this until that fateful day in 1998 when George Michael was arrested after being entrapped in a “lewd act” by an undercover cop in a public bathroom in Beverly Hills. A lewd homosexual act, to be exact. This was front-page news at the time.
The press attempted to shame him publicly, and, in turn, George Michael officially came out as a gay man. He noted that he wasn’t ashamed of being gay but made some stupid choices like engaging in public sex. He explained his public sex encounters as acting out behaviour after the loss of his male partner to an HIV-related illness and the death of his mother.
Six months after his arrest, George Michael went on Late Show With David Letterman and laughed through an 11:45 minute “comedic” interrogation about the actual “lewd act.” In his video, Outside, George Michael did manage to take hold of the narrative around his penchant for public sex, but that was in 2006. The video features people of various genders engaging in risqué behaviour in public and ends with two male cops kissing. BUT at the very end of the video, the camera pans to a sign that says, “Jesus Saves…all of us.” Like, are you kidding me? We couldn’t even get a George Michael kink video without a very un-hot religious spanking at the tail end!!!
So, the next time you hear Freedom ’90 and think that it’s a gay anthem sung by an out and proud gay male pop star, please remember this—it is not. The song is actually about George Michael separating from his record label and redefining his public image as a musician, not as a gay man.
The truth is that George Michael was never free. He was not free to understand his complex inner romantic and sexual landscape, he was not free to merge them with his music, and he certainly wasn’t free to express sexual encounters with men in his music videos. In turn, we did not get to see our own inner romantic and sexual landscapes reflected through him.
Maybe we shouldn’t look to pop stars to help us define ourselves but come on; you know that we do. In watching them showcase their romantic and sexual selves, we see parts of our romantic and sexual selves. And if we don’t see anything that looks remotely like our internal experiences then it’s harder for us to realize ourselves.
That’s why seeing Lil Nas X and his onscreen/IRL boyfriend being sexual in a locker room hit me so hard. My mind went to George Michael and the public sex “scandal.” My eyes were finally seeing something unapologetically hot, joyful, safe, and so different from anything I have ever seen from a gay pop star in my lifetime. My tears were an expression of grief for what never was and joy for what is.
I hope that young gay and queer people see themselves in Lil Nas X. I hope they come to know themselves better through his music and videos. I hope that they live freely as themselves and that they never take that freedom for granted. That’s all I’ve ever wanted, baby.
Nonbinary Fashion Steps Onto The Emmys Red Carpet
You will soon learn that I am red carpet obsessed. Like, obsessed! I thought about curating the best LGBTQ+ lewks from last Sunday’s Emmys, but you have probably already seen them by now. I know that my Instagram followers have, so I will spare them! Sooooo, I’ve decided to focus on the one that we should all be bowing down to— Carl Clemons-Hopkins in custom Christian Siriano inspired by the nonbinary flag!!! BOW DOWN NOW!!!!
Clemons-Hopkins recently became known to viewers as Marcus, the career-frenzied yet vulnerable Chief Operating Officer of Jean Smart’s character, on the HBO series, Hacks. I immediately fell in love with Marcus’s character, so I started following Clemons-Hopkins on Instagram. It was there that I began to notice Clemons-Hopkins posting things about gender on their Instagram Story. They do not share their pronouns in their bio, and I didn’t look up any articles about them, so I didn’t know how they identified.
BUT THEN I saw them wearing the nonbinary flag at The Emmys, and I screamed!! A NONBINARY declaration on the red carpet?!?! I didn’t think I would ever see the day!!! Add to this the fact that the press lauded Clemons-Hopkins as being the first out nonbinary person to be nominated for Outstanding Supporting Actor while getting their pronouns right and we have an absolute miracle.
To some, it might seem insignificant, and to others, it might seem like too much. But do you know what it means to those of us who live somewhere betwixt on the gender spectrum? It means that we exist and that we will be seen. It means that we will be celebrated. And that’s what I have always wanted.
TIFF Celebrity Sightings
The Toronto International Film Festival (TIFF) ran from Sep. 9 - Sep. 18. The festival was a scaled-down event for the second year in a row. COVID restrictions in Ontario, Canada, remain high, so that meant that a smaller pool of celebrities attended to promote their films. BUT THAT DID NOT STOP THE FANS!!!!
Celebrity enthusiasts are a tenacious bunch. We will stand in one spot for hours at a time (forgoing food, drink and bathroom needs), we will stand on barricades to secure a good view, we will run on foot all over the goddamn city just to catch a glimpse of the stars. Why? Hmmm. This is something I’ve given a lot of thought to and perhaps I’m not quite ready to psychoanalyze myself or my tiny cohort. We’ll save that for another time. Let’s just say that there is a certain thrill to it unlike anything else in the world.
Do you ever wonder how the celebs react to the fans? Do you wonder what they say and how they behave? Well, here’s a rundown on some of my interactions.
Dionne Warwick - Whitney Houston is my everything. I never got the chance to meet her, so meeting Dionne Warwick (Whitney’s first cousin and blood relative) was a surefire way to get close to her. Besides, Dionne and I are basically besties since she responded to one of my Tweets on Christmas Eve. So when I found out that Dionne was coming to TIFF I said a little prayer to Whitney that our paths would cross. I had to seek out almost every other celeb this year, but Dionne just appeared before me. I was standing on the sidewalk on King St. W. trying to figure out what to do next when she stepped out of the door right beside me. Other fans knew that she would be appearing and Dionne soon became surrounded by people. She did not do any selfies, but she did sign some things. I had the chance to speak with her and tell her how much her music and legacy mean to me. She thanked me and stepped into the car that was waiting for her. Lesson: prayers to Whitney do work. Amen.
Sigourney Weaver - LEGEND! I knew that Sigourney was in Toronto, and I was trying to figure out my options for spotting her. I saw a random Tweet that she would be a guest on a CBC radio show, so I jumped in my car, parked illegally, and got there just in time to see her walking out of the building. A few of the usual celeb enthusiasts were there, but there were only about 5 of us. She signed some things and took selfies. She was surprisingly soft-spoken and so sweet and kind.
Kenneth Branagh - I knew that Kenneth Branagh would be in town promoting his movie, Belfast. I stood with a group of other celeb enthusiasts waiting for him and lots of other stars that day. People kept referring to him as “the guy from Harry Potter,” and I was so confused because (even though I’m gen z) I think of him as “the guy who was in all of the Shakespeare movies.” He was exactly what you would imagine; polite, kind and dignified.
Jessica Chastain - It was a long wait for Jessica. I had never met her before, but other celebrity enthusiasts said that she is known to be the most fan-friendly celebrity in TIFF history. And they were correct. Jessica stepped out of the car and glowed in her multicoloured Moschino dress. She interacted with as many fans as she could on her way in and promised to stop to see the rest of us on her way out. And she kept her promise. Someone asked her about her recent Venice red carpet “arm porn” with her costar, Oscar Isaac, and she laughed and said she thought it was hilarious. She was at TIFF promoting. The Eyes Of Tammy Faye. I saw the movie on the weekend, and it was absolutely divine!!!!
Benedict Cumberbatch - I am a bit sheepish about this one because I had just dragged Benny on my Instagram Story for his fashion choices in Telluride. That didn’t stop me from standing on the dirty pavement for hours, waiting for a sighting. He must have energetically known that I had dragged him because he did not stop for me or anyone else. Do you think that stopped me (or anyone else)? No! We just found another place to see him the next day. He did stop for lots of fans that day but it was absolute chaos so I just snapped a couple of candid shots.
Kenny G - This might confuse you. I am gen z, but my University roommate used to play Kenny G’s Songbird (cd) at night while we fell asleep. That cd is in my psyche whether I want it to be or not. Soooo, it was an absolute thrill to meet Kenny G in the flesh! He didn’t seem to know what all of the fuss was about, but he tried to give fans what they wanted.
Lily-Rose Depp - I kept telling myself that I wasn’t going to overexert myself trying to see Lily-Rose Depp. I sincerely cannot tell you the name of any of her movies. I know her as Johnny Depp’s daughter, as Timothee Chalamet’s ex-girlfriend and as a model. Guess what? I overexerted myself. I don’t want to get into the details but let’s just say that it was ridiculous. Lily-Rose did not seem to be fan-friendly at all. I don’t blame her. If I had been at the Met Gala that same week, I would not have given a damn about fans waiting for me in a dirty back alley in Toronto. However, I did get a glimpse of her Chanel Fall 21 dress and bright pink bow, and that was the high I was looking for!
Well, lovers, that’s a wrap!!!!
Thanks for reading! My next newsletter comes out on Sep. 30!